her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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