i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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