Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
