I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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