i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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