Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
