I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
