I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
