Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I will pee on everything he values.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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