I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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