Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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