So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
