I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
