I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
