There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
