the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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