Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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