did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
