come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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