I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
