Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
