Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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