well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
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Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Can you bring me the toilet please
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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