Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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