Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
