Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Who died my cat blue again?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
