What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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