The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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