I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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