it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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