I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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