He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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