Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
