and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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