if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
