I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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