For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
