I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
