Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
