it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
