please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
