It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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