The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
