I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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