Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
