I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
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