You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
