I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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And then my night got REAL pukey
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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