My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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