Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
