i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
