The maid of honor just puked.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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