I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
