I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
