Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
