The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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