awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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