Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
