i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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