Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
